Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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