Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
