My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
