Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
