Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He better not be in your backpack
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
