I got chris browned last night
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
