Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
