I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
