wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
They should really pass out barf bags in church
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
