My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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