I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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