Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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