we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
