theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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