don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
