she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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