tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
