I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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