You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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