This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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