see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
home. puking in laundry basket.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
