Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Of course I have a pirate flag
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize