wrigley field is MILF paradise
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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