Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
