Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
