I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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