I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
