she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
