Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize