i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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