The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
