The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
