worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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