Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Dear god my vagina.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
