I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
