i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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