I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
