I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I faked an abortion last night.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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