I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
3 2 1 whiskey
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
