Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
