I could have mohawked her pubes.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize