So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
