You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
