Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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