i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
