Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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