I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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