Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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