On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
