Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
