i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
