At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
