I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My life is pants optional.
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