I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
