i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
