margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just invented taco cereal.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
