im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
