I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
