no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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