dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
