Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
