So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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