one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
