the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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