Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
