you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
