Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
