Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
